Our future

I never thought I will come back to blogging, what with the popularity of friendster and later facebook, which basically covers blogging but it is simpler with picture and status updates form. It's like blogging for the lazy, illiterate and exhibitionists.

Why have I come back? After 3 years...

When I look back, it seems the Pattern is obvious... Symptoms - insomnia, suppressed guilt, sadness... And when talking to my better half did not help.

It started on 14 march 2010. When my contractions are timed 5 minutes apart. ... Didn't let the nurses check.. Admitted to the inadequate hospital, with a sub standard gynea.. Had a difficult delivery that caused my beautiful son to contract NEC. Due to my negligence, we only noticed something was wrong on his 4 th day of life. Admitted him to the local hospital. Aggravated his condition by waiting and had to finally fly him out on a chartered flight on his 8th day of life... He had his first operation then, and another five more in the following four months of life...

I skipped a lot of painful details cause they still make me cry.

From choosing the gynae, giving birth locally, not being attentive, ... And the thought of almost losing him brings a stab to my heart. I will never be able to live normally again if anything should happened to him. It would be worse than death. It is the kind of pain that only mothers can fully comprehend.

I thank god every night for the miracle.

My lovely boy survived. He has the sunniest disposition ever. He has a ready smile for every one and it is always a full grin, ear to ear I tell you! He doesn't cry without a reason and take everything with a strike and in a positive manner. I just know... Even though he is only seven and a had months old at the moment.

He has proven to be strong for me. Be it recovering in the hospital or when he had diarrhea and bronchiliatis after discharge. I try to be strong for him in return and is thankful that my partner gives me strength and encouragement throughout. Without him, I know the battle would have been doubly hard.

I love you son. I still cry when I thought of what you went through at such a young age. I am still scared when I remembered laying on the hospital bed in that dark room in that hospital... Cause I know I could have lost you, your sister and everyone I love there and then... And I know I am partially responsible.

I can never watch a movie or read a book that remotely reminds me of what could have been... But you have been strong for me. And your father always say to remember and think of the positive and good... And I promise to be strong. To always focus on our future.. And your infectious smile... Inquisitive eyes..

Our future together.... That was what that have kept me going in the long painful hours in the NICU. That was what we talked about, wasn't it... And aren't younall psyched up for California and Disneyland.